and you call that food?

new for 2008: a spaminal, caught in the wild!

since the alcosandraholic posts periodically about her liquid vice, and since i said i would profess my love for the nectar of the gods online, i figured this could be considered occasion to start a semiregular (which means this will probably be the only one) entry on the food i eat. the title of this post derives from the fact that what i call lunch is shunned by most of western civilization, starving wolves, and flesh eating bacteria. in fact, the term OMGWTFBBQ!?! was coined after my discovery of new pizza sauce substitutes.

topping out my list of culinary contributions to the world is the spamburger with cheese. it may surprise some to learn that a spamburger with cheese is in reality a food and not a 4th grade insult. originally, i would put cheese in my spam sandwiches, so imagine my delight when i discovered that the animal (i call him the spaminal) from which spam originates, has now been genetically combined with cheese!

the spaminal in the wild: artist's depiction

the original spaminal was originally 50% hoof and 50% snout, however this new genetic combination entails a 20% dairy imitation (which means it's hoof + snout + udder). surprisingly, spam with cheese does not look that appealing out of the can. there are little yellow chunks in the pink imeatation (or imutation if you prefer). i thought that it would tastier after frying (melted cheese does that), however it just got angry at me when i tried to stick it in the frying pan.

next on my list of typical lunches is vienna sausage. i like vienna sausage, because they require even less preparation than spam. on the days that my roommate cooks rice, i'll just scoop some rice into a bowl, grab a can of vienna sausage, then just pop it in the microwave at work. so if you're looking for a diet to help produce the muscular physique i have, consider increasing your discarded-meat-product intake. actually i think the primary reason i eat vienna sausage is because i tend to eat it with:

MY BELOVED BANANA SAUCE!!

under my pillow is a list of inanimate objects that i would propose marriage to if such actions weren't precluded by established social convention, religion, and the law. jufran's banana sauce constitutes 86% of that list. discussing the other 14% would invite ridicule and scorn. ok, now back to the love of my life. if you haven't tried it, it's like a sweet sweet ketchup. it's good with rice, chicken, hamburgers, bread, beef, milk, chocolate, ice cream, straight from the bottle, just about anything. in fact, i have to be careful not to get any on my cheek or lips, because if that were to happen, i would probably eat my own face. considered THE BEST CONDIMENT EVAR by some and an act of god by most, truly banana sauce is a must try.

back on the topic of and you call that food, is something i've heard legends about and i'd like to try, but actually haven't the opportunity myself: chòu dòufu, which apprently translates to stinky tofu. i wet myself laughing every time i read that. here is a food which by definition is an olfactory assault (raw sewage anyone?) for which it makes no attempt at amends. at times, i've called my cafeteria's menu: dirt flavored shit, but i doubt that's what the chefs called it. stinky tofu *wetness* has the appeal of "fatty corpuscle". like michael jackson's bad, it has the capability to entirely reverse a word's connotations! if banana sauce can work for spam and vienna sausage though, i'm sure it could cure even the stinkiest of tofus.

to summarize, above i've outlined several dishes: spam with cheese, vienna sausage, stinky tofu, all of which are arguably edible. the moral of the story is that banana sauce will make them all better! (as long as you don't end up eating your own face)